Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
