I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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