I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
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I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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