i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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