it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
