I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
