This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize