i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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