A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
