Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
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At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
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We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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