I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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