Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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