The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
