I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
