your thong is hanging out like whoa
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
