sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
