Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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