found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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