i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
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