the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
