So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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