I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
