Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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