did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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