My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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