Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
