It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
