Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
