my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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