we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
