I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
