I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
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First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
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Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
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