I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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