I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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