Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
