i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
