My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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