This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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