We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I FOUND THE LEGS
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
