Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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