And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
