My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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