Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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