you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
