i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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