We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
