If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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