It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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