I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
