I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
