I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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