I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
