In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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