You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I deserve this hangover.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
