Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
