You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
