you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
